If you read last week’s blog and thought, “Oh… this sounds like me,” I want to reassure you that you are not alone. Parental perfectionism is quietly threaded through so many of the stories I hear from clients and it’s so normalised in our parenting culture that they’re often unaware that’s what it is. It just feels like how we’re supposed to be. We live in a world that rewards striving and applauds high standards, but when that striving becomes relentless, it stops serving us. Especially in parenthood.
In fact, there’s plenty of research linking parental perfectionism with higher stress, anxiety, and burnout. Which makes sense, doesn’t it? When you’re constantly measuring yourself against an impossible internal standard, it’s hard to feel like you’re ever truly enough no matter how hard you’re trying. When mistakes feel like the end of the world, it’s hard to relax as a parent and just enjoy the process.
So, in this week’s blog, I want to offer you ideas to begin loosening perfectionism’s grip on your parenting. Not by lowering your standards or telling you to care less but by finding a way to parent that is sustainable, self-compassionate, and rooted in what matters most to you.
Why letting go feels so hard
Most perfectionist parents I work with aren’t chasing gold stars or Instagram likes. They’re people who care deeply about their children and are striving to give them a better start than they had. They’re trying to avoid any harm coming to their family.
So when I talk to parents about softening perfectionism, their first response is often one of fear. Not because they love perfectionism, but because it feels like it’s the strategy that’s keeping everything together. It feels like everything would fall apart if they didn’t hold themselves to high standards.
High standards have probably served you well in the past; maybe they helped you excel at school, at work, or in creating a home that feels good. Perfectionism tells us that without it, we’ll fail. But I gently want to question that.
What if you’ve achieved what you have in spite of perfectionism, not because of it? What if your real strength lies in your values, your care, your thoughtfulness; not the relentless self-pressure that’s riding alongside them?
Perfectionism promises protection. It tells us that if we just try hard enough, we can avoid failure, criticism, or regret. But more often, what it actually delivers is exhaustion, shame, and disconnection.
So let’s look at how to begin loosening its grip.
From Rigid Rules to Guiding Values
One way to spot perfectionism in your parenting is to notice how many ‘rules’ you’re living by. We all have ideas about what good parenting looks like but rigid rules show up in thoughts like: “A good mum never loses her temper.”, “I should always enjoy playing with my child.” or “Good parents always take time off work to attend school events”
Rules are black-and-white, pass-or-fail, rigid commandments. If you break one of these internal rules it doesn’t just feel like a misstep – it feels like failure and you get flooded with guilt and self-criticism. I’m going to suggest moving away from rule-based parenting and towards values-guided parenting.
Values are different from rigid rules; they’re chosen directions – they’re about how you want to show up as a parent. They’re entirely personal to you; you could value patience, kindness, reliability or fun – whatever speaks to you. There’s no right or wrong here, there are a million ways to be a good parent; think about how you’d like to parent if you knew nobody would judge you.
Unlike rules, values don’t demand perfection. They don’t judge or punish. They simply guide. You might value connection and still miss Sports Day because of work. You can still honour that value in other ways, like sharing stories over dinner or cuddling up with a bedtime chat.
You might value patience and still lose your temper; because you’re human. But instead of spiralling into shame, a values-based approach helps you notice the misalignment, reconnect with your intention, and gently come back to what matters. Notice you’re also honouring that value by being patient with yourself here.
Think of your values like a compass. They don’t tell you exactly what to do in every moment but they help you navigate when things get messy. And they keep you aligned with the kind of parent you want to be, even on the imperfect days.
The Parental Burnout Quiz
Curious what your own parental burnout score is? Download the free assessment and get your score – plus expert tips on how to reduce it.
From Self-criticism to Self-compassion
If you’ve spent a long time holding yourself to high standards, there’s a good chance you’ve developed a very loud inner critic. You might believe that without it, you’d make too many mistakes or give up. When I first broach the idea of ditching self-criticism and cultivating self-compassion, many parents feel it sounds a bit too wishy-washy or self-indulgent.
But there’s actually tonnes of research showing that self-compassionate people have lower stress levels, better mental health, more connected relationships and are more likely to hold themselves accountable and make amends when they mess up. It’s not self-indulgent, it’s about treating yourself like someone you love. Someone who’s struggling, and doing their best, and learning as they go.
I often ask parents to imagine two teachers. One is strict, critical, and punitive; always pointing out what your child is doing wrong. The other has high standards too, but they’re encouraging, warm, and kind. Which one would you want for your child? Of course, the second one. Not only because you know that’d be a better experience for your child but also because you know they’ll learn more. Can you be that second teacher for yourself?
Try this: the next time you mess up or feel guilty, pause. Take a breath. And speak to yourself as you would to a friend or to your child. You might be amazed at how much easier it is to regulate your emotions and problem solve from that headspace compared to spiralling into self-criticism and shame.
Say Goodbye to the fantasy parent
One of the most exhausting aspects of perfectionism is the invisible, impossible standard you’re trying to live up to. Somewhere in your mind, there’s an image of the Ideal Parent – the one who never raises their voice, who loves every moment, makes beautiful bento lunchboxes (that their kid actually eats) and never forgets the school trip form.
You know that parent isn’t real – they’re stitched together from parenting books, Instagram reels, fictional characters like Mary Poppins or Bluey’s mum and dad, your own childhood wounds and a good dose of magical thinking. But they still show up in your thoughts. They whisper judgments and warnings. They measure you against standards you never actually agreed to.
Try giving that fantasy a name (yes, really! Call them ‘Perfect Penelope’ or ‘Martyr Martin’). Notice when they show up, when they’re giving you suggestions, when they’re driving your decisions. Thank them for their input (they think they’re keeping you safe), and let them know that you’ve got this, and return to your own parenting values. Remind yourself that you’re allowed to be real, you’re allowed to make mistakes or do things differently.
know that 'good enough' is actually best
The idea of the ‘good enough parent’ comes from D.W. Winnicott, a paediatrician and psychoanalyst. He wrote about how children don’t need perfect parents – they need parents who meet their needs well enough over time, and who let them experience manageable frustrations as they grow.
In other words: not getting everything ‘right’ is not just OK. It’s preferable.
Even if it was possible to be a perfect parent, meeting every single one of your child’s needs would ultimately stunt them. Children benefit from not being shielded from the frustrations and disappointments of real life. They need to have realistic expectations of themselves and the world, to learn how to tolerate distress, solve problems and become more resilient in the face of the ups and downs of life.
And when you model imperfection to your children, they grow up not being as afraid of making mistakes themselves, they know it’s ok for them to be imperfect too. And that is such a gift.
Remember the importance of fun
Always striving to be better, being on guard for errors and spiralling into self-criticism when you inevitably make mistakes is exhausting and joyless. Perfectionism tends to turn life into a performance. Every moment becomes a task to optimise, a standard to meet. And yet, that’s not the kind of life most of us want and it’s definitely not the kind of childhood we want for our children.
Children naturally live in the moment, they’re curious, playful and naturally drawn to joy and pleasure. Can you lean into that with them?
Can you notice if a moment suddenly feels like it has to be more productive, educational or perfectly curated and pause to loosen up and check in with your values?
I’m not talking about abandoning all structure or ignoring your responsibilities. As a mum of three, I know all too well just how much work there is to be done when you have a family. I just mean it’s important to make space for rest and fun, to allow for mess and let yourself to enjoy this all a bit more.
If you need some help with this...
Loosening perfectionism’s grip doesn’t mean lowering the bar until it’s on the floor. It means stepping out of fear and control, and parenting from love and values instead. It means letting go of the fantasy that there’s one right way to raise your child and trusting that your way can be good enough.
And if that feels hard to do alone, that’s OK. It’s not a shift that can happen overnight, it’s a slow process unpicking the habit of a lifetime. If you’d like support with this, this is the kind of work I do with parents in online therapy – helping them reconnect to their parenting values, release the pressure of impossible standards, and create a parenting life that feels more spacious, sustainable, and more fun.
If that sounds like what you need; I’d love to hear from you – book a free 15 minute intro call with me here.
