The Christmas chaos has only just subsided but a whole new wave of pressure has arrived: “New Year, New You!”. The world seems to be urging you to become a better version of yourself: healthier, happier, calmer. You need to be better. Hopefully you know me well enough to know that I don’t agree with that.
If you’re reading this, though, I’m guessing there’s a part of you that would like to do things differently this year and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s natural to want to improve certain aspects of life, especially as a parent. But where do you even start? And how do you keep it up when life as a parent is so unpredictable and messy?
One of the psychological models I love to use with parents who want to make meaningful changes is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is all about focusing on what truly matters to you – your values – and learning how to take action in ways that align with those values, even when life feels messy.
In this blog, I’ll explain why traditional resolutions often don’t work (especially for parents) and show you how ACT principles, including values-based SMART goals, can help you set intentions that actually stick.
new year's resolutions don't work for parents
To be frank, resolutions don’t work for most people; research shows that the majority of us abandon them by February. But they can feel especially hard for parents.
Why? Parenting is a juggling act of endless tasks, competing priorities, and constant unpredictability. You’re tired, time-poor, and managing little people with their own ideas and emotions. Unlike in other areas of life, you can’t just set a plan and expect it to work; parenting rarely goes to plan.
Here are some common reasons resolutions fail, particularly for parents:
They’re Too Unrealistic
Resolutions like “I’ll make sure I give each of my children one hour of my undivided attention every day” are so all-or-nothing and leave no room for life’s inevitable chaos. Parenting is unpredictable; rigid rules set you up to feel like a failure the inevitable moment things don’t go to plan.
They Focus on What You Won’t Do
In ACT we talk about not setting “dead man’s goals” i.e. not trying to do something that only a dead person can do. For example: “I won’t ever shout when I feel frustrated.” While the intention behind this is great, it’s pretty unrealistic to say you’ll never lose your temper (we all do) and much more effective to focus on what you will do e.g. “When I feel frustrated, I’ll take deep breaths, take some time out and text my best friend for encouragement“.
They Focus on How You Want to Feel
Parents often set goals like “I want to feel calm/confident/joyful” etc, but we can’t control how we feel, especially in the heat of the moment. Instead, ACT encourages us to focus on action-focused rather than emotion-focused goals because we have much more control over what we do than what we feel.
They’re Too Vague
Goals like “I’ll be a more attentive parent” are a lovely intention, but they lack the specificity needed for real behaviour change. To make progress, you need to define exactly what you’ll do, when you’ll do it, and why it matters.
So, what do I suggest you do instead? Let me talk you through a more effective approach for making meaningful changes in your life; values-based SMART goal setting.
Start with what matters most
ACT encourages us to base our goals on our values – the qualities that matter most to you as a parent. Think of your values as a compass, guiding you towards the kind of parent you want to be.
Common parental values include qualities like compassion, connection, patience, playfulness or encouragement. But there’s no right or wrong here, they’re just a personal choice. Your parental values might differ from mine but that doesn’t mean one of us is ‘right‘, in the same way that neither of us has the ‘right‘ favourite flavour of ice-cream.
When considering what your parental values are, forget what the world says about ‘good’ parents for a moment and ask yourself what’s in your heart. You could reflect on questions like:
“What do I want to stand for as a parent?”
“What qualities do I want to embody?”
“How would I like my children to describe me when they’ve grown up?”
Think of about 4 or 5 of your key parenting values and then you can turn them into something more concrete and action-focused: SMART goals: goals that are Specific, Meaningful, Adaptive, Realistic, and Time-bound.
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how to set achievable goals
So, imagine one of your parenting values is connection. A simple new year’s resolution might be “I’ll spend lots of quality time with my kids this year” – but that’s quite a big, vague statement that will likely not lead to much change.
Here’s how you could create a SMART goal based on that value:
Specific: Define exactly what you’ll do, e.g. “I’ll spend 15 minutes reading with my child each evening.”
Meaningful: Connect the goal to your values, e.g. “Reading together is something we both enjoy and strengthens our bond.”
Adaptive: Focus on actions that improve your life, e.g. “This time together helps us unwind and creates positive memories.”
Realistic: Make sure the goal fits your current circumstance, e.g.“Fifteen minutes feels achievable, even on busy days.”
Time-Bound: Set a specific time-frame to make it more likely to happen, e.g. “I’ll read with my child every night after bath-time”
don't forget the two magic ingredients
Even the best intentions can get derailed. That’s why two magic ingredients – flexibility and self-compassion – are key to sticking with your goals.
Be Flexible
Life is messy and children are constantly growing and changing. When setting goals, it’s crucial to remain flexible – you can adapt your actions whilst staying true to your values. If you miss a bedtime story one evening, you can cuddle for a few minutes or catch up the next day. If your child lets you know that they’d prefer their other parent to read to them, you can find other ways of expressing your value of connection that suit them too.
Practise Self-Compassion
When things inevitably don’t go to plan, treat yourself with the same patience you’d offer a friend. Instead of saying, “I’m a terrible parent,” you might say “This was a tough day, but I’m learning.. let me think what small step I can take back in the direction I wanted to go”. If that sounds a bit self-indulgent to you, remember, self-compassion isn’t about making excuses or letting yourself off the hook if you’ve done wrong – it’s about recognising that mistakes are part of the process and giving yourself permission to grow.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
Parenting is unpredictable and full of challenges so traditional resolutions often don’t fit our lives. But by starting with your values, setting SMART goals, and embracing flexibility and self-compassion, you can create intentions that work with the reality of parenting, not against it.
This year doesn’t have to be about doing more or being perfect; it can be about focusing on what truly matters, one small step at a time.
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If you’re looking for more support, check out my free eBook, The Busy Parent’s Guide to Soothing Stress and Beating Burnout. It’s full of practical, evidence-based strategies to help you navigate the challenges of parenting with less stress and more balance.
