The summer school holidays have just started here in the UK. The kids might be ecstatic that school is out, but what about the parents?
If you’re like most parents, you probably feel a mixture of things – relieved you’re getting a break from the school run, excited by the idea of a holiday with your children but daunted by the prospect of entertaining them for six long weeks.
Many of us also have to figure out how to cobble together some type of childcare so we can work. My own children are in an expensive holiday club for 3 hours now while I write this and I’m painfully aware how fast that time will fly.
Many of us have high hopes of idyllic sunny family days out filled with magical memories and can be so disappointed when the reality of summer is less than Instagram perfect.
We find ourselves more bored, anxious and shouty than we’d hoped and berate ourselves for not giving our children the magical (but mythical) summer holidays of their dreams.
I’ve written this blog for you (and to remind myself!) – here are my 5 key recommendations to survive and thrive this summer school holidays. Enjoy!
Set realistic expectations
Are your expectations of summer realistic? Do you have a fantasy image of yourself easily balancing work demands with quality family time in glorious sunshine?
Are you imagining yourself being a relaxed, patient and fun summertime parent full of lots of energy for days out, crafts and games? In this image, are your children constantly happy and grateful for your efforts?
We’d all like it to be like that, wouldn’t we? But it’s a fantasy. The reality is we all have limited energy supplies, competing work and family demands and a full range of human emotions.
You will feel bored, anxious, angry, and guilty at points over summer as you juggle everything. Your children will feel bored, anxious, angry and whiny at points over summer too. There will be good days but also some very bad days too. It’s inevitable.
The more rigidly and tightly you cling to the idea of a perfect version of you, with the perfect kids on a perfect holiday – the more disappointed and negative you’ll feel when things inevitably don’t live up to that ideal. So, do yourself a favour, start off with realistic expectations – summer with children is like any other time of the year: a mixed bag of joy and stress.
prioritise self-care
Does that phrase make you cringe? Or do you roll your eyes at the impossibility of it? Many of my clients have a negative reaction when I first bring up the term ‘self-care’ too, for different reasons.
Some clients think that self-care is selfish and that good parents (especially mums) put themself last. I have to quickly disabuse them of that notion – putting yourself last is the royal route to depletion, resentment and eventually, burnout.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s impossible to meet the emotional, psychological, physical, social and educational needs of your children if you’re exhausted and depleted.
Other clients tell me that they don’t have time for self-care and when we break that down it turns out that they think self-care means yoga at dawn, 30mins mindfulness every day or going to a day spa. Those things might be self-care but really I’m talking about something much more fundamental – looking after yourself as much as you look after your children.
So, self-care could mean making yourself regular meals, prioritising your sleep instead of doomscrolling, holding boundaries and saying ‘no’ when you need to, taking time to plan summer activities that you’d enjoy too, not just your children’s favourites etc.
I’ll write a fuller blog on this topic another time but for now, I highly recommend Dr Pooja Lakshmin’s book ‘Real Self Care’ – she explains how real self care is internal work (e.g. following our own values, setting boundaries, being self-compassionate etc) rather than something external that can be bought (and fitted into an already too long to do list) like a bubble bath or set of healing crystals.
The Summer Sanity Checklist
Enjoying this blog? Get my 5 point checklist of everything you need to put in place to keep yourself sane during the school summer holidays
establish a routine
I absolutely love not having to get up early, fetch uniforms, find bookbags, make lunchboxes and get my three kids all out the door at to separate schools on time. Not having to be anywhere in the morning is bliss.
But you can have too much of a good thing. Later mornings can easily turn into later (or missed) breakfasts, more snacking, less motivation, more boredom, later nights and before you know it, everyone’s more tired, more hungry, more listless and more grumpy.
Whilst it doesn’t come naturally to me, keeping a routine is an essential part of a less stressful summer for our family. Routines are very soothing to kids but also adults. Our bodies have circadian and hormonal rhythms that require regular and predictable periods for eating, movement, rest and sleep to work well.
Having a full day stretching out in front of you all with no plans can be relaxing at first, but have too many of those and just watch how the boredom and irritability spirals. Much better to have a loose routine or flexible pattern to your day.
It can be something as simple as mealtimes at 8am, 12pm and 5pm and an outdoor activity in the morning such as visiting the shops/park/library/friends and something quieter in the afternoon such as crafting/reading/independent play or screen time. Something semi-structured and flexible so you don’t get hooked by rigid expectations of how things ‘should’ be and set yourself up for a fall when plans inevitably don’t exactly work out.
Enlist social support
Childcare is work. And you’d never expect one person alone to entertain your children all day, referee sibling arguments, make their meals, wash and dress them whilst also cleaning your house, maintaining your garden, servicing your car, care for your friends and relatives, do the grocery shopping all while balancing your paid work.
So why do you expect that you can and should be able to do it all alone? And enjoy it without complaint?
Humans evolved to care for children in groups (and in prehistory before all the jobs I mentioned above were a ‘thing’). You were never meant to do it alone. If you’re trying to do that (and I’ve been there myself as a stay at home mum with no family living nearby) then you have to compensate by radically lowering the expectations you have on yourself. You cannot juggle all these balls without dropping some. So think about what tasks you can outsource or drop altogether.
And aside from support, what about socialising for fun? I often see parents making a lot of effort to provide social interaction for their children: taking them to activities, arranging play dates etc but much less, if any, thought goes into their own needs for social interaction. Try not to spend the summer solely in the company of your children and see whether you can get some adult interaction every day – whether that’s talking with other parents at the park, arranging to meet up with your friends who have children or using online parenting forums for solidarity.
A word of caution here: online parenting forums can quickly become judgy so be careful where you spend your time and feel free to leave any group that leaves you feeling less than great. I particularly love clinical psychologist Dr Emma Svanberg’s Facebook community ‘The Village’ for its welcoming, open-minded and strictly no parenting shaming stance. You could try apps like Peanut, which is a safe place for women (especially mothers) to meet other likeminded souls and make friends.
consider online therapy
Have these four steps in place and still feeling like the summer is a struggle? Perhaps you’re feeling consumed with anxiety, stress, anger, guilt or overwhelm? Maybe you’re feeling like the worst parent in the world? Or that you have the worst children in the world?
Relax. You’re not. And you don’t.
But you do deserve some more support. Therapy can be a lifeline for busy parents – having a nonjudgmental therapist to offload to, who ‘gets you’ and can teach you coping strategies is priceless.
But taking time out to commute to a therapy appointment can be tricky at the best of times for parents and its especially hard during the summer months. That’s when online therapy really comes into it’s own.
I specialise in online therapy for stressed out parents – I love giving my clients the support they need and teaching them the skills and techniques I’ve learned as a psychologist and a mum that keep parental stress to a manageable level.
I can help you manage all the difficult thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing so that they’re not in charge of you. I can help you become the parent you really want to be.
I’ve written another blog all about the FAQs I get about therapy here – take a look and get in touch if you’d like to book a free, no-pressure, 15 minute consultation call with me.
