A few days ago, I shared a quick post on Instagram that I’d made in my coffee break between sessions. It’s just a slide that says “Stressed hamster mothers sometimes eat their babies. You’re doing fine”. Something pleased the algorithm gods because it took off and had over 1 million views in a few days.
I was just trying to make a few parents laugh and feel a bit of the pressure drop but the response surprised me. Over 20,000 people liked it, many told me stories of their own hamsters doing exactly this but it was the parents who thanked me who touched me the most. Many of them said they’d been struggling and really needed the reassurance that they were doing a good enough job.
It’s clear that there are so many parents out there quietly worrying “Am I getting this wrong?”
It’s no wonder. These days, parenting comes with an overwhelming amount of pressure – from social media, from parenting books and experts, from our own histories and hopes. There’s always something more we ‘should’ be doing, fixing, preventing, or improving. And the goalposts are always shifting.
But what if we ignored all that outside (and inside) noise for a moment and instead looked at how you’re showing up for your child, day after day, in the ordinary mess and magic of it all?
Here are seven signs you’re already doing a good job, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
1. you're parenting the child you have
Most of us begin parenting with fantasy of who our child might be. We picture their gender, looks, personality, imagine their strengths and many of us assume they’ll share our interests or temperament. And then they arrive; entirely themselves and often in ways that surprise us. We quickly learn that they’re their own person. And if we have more than one child, we soon find out that each child is unique and can be very different from us and their siblings.
Over time, good parenting becomes less about shaping them into the person you hoped for, and more about learning to really see the child in front of you. You start paying attention to what soothes them, what unsettles them, what lights them up. You notice the rhythm of their nervous system, the patterns in their behaviour, the ways they try to communicate.
This isn’t an easy task by any means, but your child feels the difference when they’re being understood, not managed.
2. You're showing up as yourself
There’s so much pressure to get parenting ‘right’ these days. The advice comes from all angles – books, podcasts, professionals, strangers online. It’s easy to end up second-guessing everything, or trying on approaches that don’t quite fit.
But at some point, it becomes clear that you can’t outsource your parenting instincts to someone else’s method.
There’s huge value in being informed but even more value in being authentic. Your parenting self should still feel like you – with your temperament, values, energy levels, humour, quirks – not a performance.
Your child doesn’t need a robotic parent, revising and reciting parenting scripts from the latest trademarked parenting approach. It’s better for them if you’re congruent and really being yourself rather than trying to perform a version of parenting that doesn’t quite fit and that exhausts you.
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3. You’re scaffolding, not sculpting
Developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik writes about two distinct styles of parenting: the carpenter, who tries to carefully shape a child into a specific kind of adult, and the gardener, who creates a nurturing environment and trusts the child to grow into themselves.
Modern parenting culture often pushes us into carpenter mode; nudging us to optimise everything, enrich every moment, and steer our child’s development like a carefully managed project. It’s easy to feel like you need to curate the perfect blend of activities, skills, and milestones to ‘get it right’.
But children aren’t projects. And parenting isn’t about sculpting a finished product. That just creates extra pressure and stress for both children and their parents.
If you’re more focused on creating a relationship that helps your child feel secure, supported, and seen – then you’re already doing the deeper work. It’s not about perfect inputs or guaranteed outcomes. It’s about growing alongside them, with enough structure to support them and enough space to let them unfold.
4. You mess up sometimes and you keep coming back
Every parent has moments they’re not proud of – the angry words, the frustrated sighs, the days you’re just not your best self.
Good parenting doesn’t mean avoiding those moments altogether. It means recognising them and repairing and reconnecting afterwards. It’s the lack of repair rather than the rupture which damages relationships. Healthy conflict in families is normal and actually strengthens bonds.
You’re modelling imperfection and accountability and that relationships aren’t all plain-sailing and they’re not fragile either.
5. You let your needs matter too
There’s a quiet pressure on parents these days (especially mothers) to prove their worth as parents by being self-sacrificing. Child-centric parenting may seem noble but I don’t recommend it.
It’s just not possible to be endlessly patient or always available. Always putting yourself last will lead to exhaustion, resentment and burnout eventually. And it’s healthier for a child to realise that their family is a team, where everyone’s needs matter.
There’s no shame in hiding in the bathroom for five minutes, scrolling in silence while they watch Bluey or missing bedtime so you can meet your friend for a meal. Resting when you can, saying no when you need to, listening to your own signals before everything boils over isn’t selfish; it’s sensible self-compassion. Self-care IS child-care. You can’t possibly parent well when you’re running on fumes.
6. you still have an identity outside of parenting
It can be easy to feel consumed by parenting in an age of intensive parenting where we’re expected as ‘good parents’ to invest significant amounts of time, energy and money into raising our children. But regardless of your parenting philosophy, there are still contexts where parenting requires a lot of us – especially in the early years, in difficult seasons or when we have a child with additional needs.
But somewhere in there, if you can still feel traces of your old self, even faintly, that matters. Maybe you keep in touch with old friends, read books and listen to podcasts that aren’t about parenting, have opinions about politics or music or sport – it all matters.
You haven’t disappeared. You haven’t handed over every part of yourself to the job of being someone’s mum or dad.
Your child gets to witness that and learn that grown-ups have their own inner world. That love and care don’t mean total self-erasure. That they are deeply important to you, and also not your entire identity. And that’s good for everyone.
7. You laughed at the hamster post
Sometimes you need someone to break the tension – to remind you that this whole thing is hard and hilarious and chaotic, and no one is doing it ‘right’ all the time.
Keep hold of that part of you that knows you can relax a little more, that you can take this all a little less seriously. The part that knows you can be tired, flawed, fed up, making mistakes and still be a loving, decent parent.
You have the worries, the difficult emotions, the bad days and you can also see the funny side, you can find the absurdity, the glimmers of joy. You remember that this is supposed to be fun too.
you're doing more than enough
If you recognise yourself in even a few of these signs, I hope you can exhale a little.
But if you’re reading this and finding new ways to worry that you’re not doing enough – take a breath. This isn’t another list to strive for or get right. This is a vibe check, not a checklist.
If you’re even thinking about this stuff, that’s already something. You don’t have to tick every box. You’re allowed to be a work in progress just like your child.
And if the worry still feels loud? That’s something you can get support with too.
Want Help Loosening the Grip of Parental Anxiety and Perfectionism?
If you often find yourself stuck in anxious overthinking, spiralling after hard days, or feeling like you’re never quite ‘enough’ – therapy can help.
We can work together to:
- Ease the pressure you’re putting on yourself
- Reconnect with your parenting instincts
- Understand your triggers and nervous system patterns
- Help you feel more grounded, more confident, and more like you
You can find out more about how I work here.
We can work towards helping you feel more like yourself again, not the perfect parent, just the one your child already loves.
