Last week’s blog was about how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help parents manage the difficult thoughts and feelings that come with raising children and support them to show up more often as the kind of parent they want to be. This week, I want to introduce you to another therapeutic approach I often use alongside ACT: Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT).
CFT was developed specifically to help people who struggle with shame and self-criticism, which makes it especially relevant for the kinds of parents who come to therapy with me. Most want to feel calmer and less reactive, but it quickly becomes clear that there’s something else contributing to their distress: they’re constantly judging themselves.
They carry a harsh inner voice telling them they’re not doing enough, not getting it right, not cut out for this, maybe even harming their kids. And they’re exhausted by it.
That voice isn’t just unkind; it’s making things worse. Self-criticism and shame activate your stress response, drain your emotional capacity, and make it harder to respond thoughtfully or warmly. The more harsh your internal monologue becomes, the harder it is to parent in the way you really want to.
That’s where CFT can help. In this blog, I’ll introduce you to what CFT is, how it works, and what it can look like in therapy for parents.
What is CFT?
CFT was developed in the early 2000s by British psychologist Professor Paul Gilbert after he noticed his more self-critical clients weren’t benefiting from the traditional CBT approach that was commonly used at the time. He drew from evolutionary psychology, attachment theory, neuroscience and Buddhist psychology to create CFT, aiming to help his clients develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
Let’s start first by defining what we mean by ‘compassion’ because the parents I work with often worry that I’m talking about just being nice to yourself no matter what, letting yourself off the hook and being really self-indulgent etc.
CFT offers a specific definition of compassion: it’s a sensitivity to suffering in ourselves and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate or prevent it.
This isn’t about being soft on yourself or ignoring mistakes. Compassion in CFT includes courage, wisdom, strength and skill. Think of a midwife supporting someone through labour, or a firefighter entering a burning building. Compassion isn’t fluffy. It’s a source of stability and strength in the face of pain.
In parenting, that might mean speaking to yourself with kindness after a hard day, setting boundaries that are uncomfortable but necessary, taking responsibility for a mistake you made that hurt your child’s feelings or taking a break so you can regroup rather than soldiering on through resentment and depletion.
Understanding your tricky brain
I really love how CFT teaches us to understand our minds with more perspective and less blame through accessible information on neuroscience and evolutionary psychology.
We all have what CFT calls a ‘tricky brain’; a brain shaped by evolution to prioritise safety, not happiness. We share very old, primitive parts of the brain with other animals which keeps us alert to danger. That’s great when you’re evading predators but not so helpful in a modern human world that is full of social ‘threats’ like keeping your boss happy, handling judgement from other parents and the 24/7 news cycle.
What makes our brains tricky compared to other animals is that we also have a much newer part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) layered over this older part of the brain (the limbic system) which gives us language, planning, memory, imagination. But it also means we can dwell, ruminate, worry, and critique ourselves endlessly in a way that other animals can’t do.
These emotional and cognitive systems can influence each other; what we feel shapes how we think, and how we think shapes how we feel. In CFT, we describe this as an ‘old brain-new brain loop’: a loop that can keep us stuck in distress or shame long after the moment has passed.
Understanding these loops helps you shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to a more patient, less critical understanding of why you think and feel the way you do.
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the three emotional systems
I also really like how CFT draws on evolutionary psychology and attachment science to explain why we feel and act the way we do.
It uses a simplified model of emotional regulation called the three systems model which describes human emotions and motivations in three broad systems:
- The threat system is about detecting danger and keeping us safe – when we’re in our threat system we feel emotions like anxiety, anger and disgust.
- The drive system helps us pursue goals, achieve, and strive – when we’re in this system because we feel energised by ambition, excitement and reward.
- The soothing system allows us to rest and recharge; we need it to balance out the threat and drive systems – you’ll know when you’re here because you’ll feel calm, content and connected to others.
I’ll often ask my clients to draw these out as three circles: red for threat, blue for drive, and green for soothing. Most parents I see have very big red and blue circles, and a tiny green one. They’re stuck in a threat/drive loop: constantly doing, fixing, striving and worrying that they’re not enough.
These powerful emotion systems completely change the way you pay attention, think and behave – you might feel like a completely different person or parent when you’re stuck in your threat system compared to when you’re in your soothing system.
The goal of therapy isn’t to get rid of threat or drive or stay in soothing constantly but to get the three of them more in balance. So, usually we want to reduce your time spent in threat, build a more sustainable level of drive and increase your ability to enter your soothing system.
CFT helps you build access to that soothing system through deliberate practices called compassionate mind training (CMT) to build up a more ‘compassionate mind’ from which to relate to yourself as opposed to a ‘threat mind’.
what does cft look like in practice?
CFT isn’t just about feeling better; it’s about understanding yourself more deeply and learning new ways to respond to your struggles. Therapy usually follows a process that includes three broad (often overlapping) phases:
1. Understanding why you think and feel the way you do
We start with some psychoeducation about how human minds and relationships work, why our brains are wired the way they are, and how your early experiences might have shaped the way you speak to yourself today. We’ll help you make sense of your inner world and understand that so many of your struggles are not your fault, but your mind doing what it was designed to do.
2. Developing your ‘compassionate mind’
Through practical Compassionate Mind Training (CMT), we begin to develop a version of you that is wise, warm, grounded and strong; a compassionate self who can stand alongside you when things feel hard. CMT might include soothing breathing, grounding exercises, imagery, letter writing, mindfulness, chair work etc. It’s not one-size-fits-all; we’ll find what works for you. Slowly, your inner critic begins to quiet, and a more supportive inner voice becomes easier to access.
3. Bringing your compassionate mind to parenting challenges
Finally, we practise bringing this compassionate mind into real-life parenting moments: the guilt after you’ve shouted, the dread around setting boundaries, the exhaustion that comes from trying to be everything to everyone. With this steadier internal anchor, you’ll be better able to respond to your child (and yourself) in ways that feel aligned with your values. Instead of spiralling into shame or snapping in overwhelm, you’ll have a way to ground yourself, regroup, and choose a different response.
Ready to parent with more compassion?
Parenting is hard enough but it can feel impossible when you’re constantly criticising yourself too. I love introducing CFT to my most self-critical clients and watching how it softens their relationship with themselves. And with their children. Suddenly, parenting feels a little less high stakes. There’s more flexibility. More warmth. More room to be playful. Everyone benefits when you’re parenting more from your soothing system and less from the threat/drive systems.
Therapy can help you understand your triggers and patterns, and it will give you practical tools for managing the emotional ups and downs of family life. But often, what makes the biggest difference is the therapeutic relationship itself. For many of my clients, therapy is the first place they’ve felt they could show up fully as themselves, warts and all, and still be met with acceptance and care.
There’s something deeply healing about having someone sit beside you, week after week, with real warmth and acceptance. It’s not just talking. It’s an embodied experience of that soothing system – a space where you feel safe, soothed, and connected. And that’s the best place to learn: not in crisis, not in shame, but in the presence of a caring other who’s really rooting for you.
If that sounds like something you need, I’d love to hear from you. You can find out more about working together here or book a free 15-minute intro call with me here.
