Parents come to work with me in online therapy because they’re not being the parent they want to be. They tell me that they’re snapping over small things, not being as playful as they’d like or retreating emotionally when they really want to connect. They describe being stuck in their heads; overthinking, catastrophising, worrying they’ve damaged their child, or ruminating about how they handled a situation the day before.
They tell me they’ve read all the books, listened to the podcasts, followed the Instagram parenting accounts, and they know what kind of parent they want to be but they just can’t seem to get there. And they blame themselves. There’s often so much (unwarranted) shame that it’s taken months for them to pluck up the courage to reach out to me.
And I’m so glad when they do because I know I can help. I know they’re thoughtful, intentional, deeply loving parents and they’re not lacking in knowledge or love. They’re not bad parents, they just need skills to manage the difficult thoughts and feelings that are an inevitable part of parenting. And I know how to teach them.
I use a number of therapeutic approaches in my work but there’s one that I turn to more than others; that of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I love ACT and use its tenets in my own life. It has a really sound evidence base, it’s practical and profoundly human. As a heads up – next week I’ll be talking about another model I use: Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and you can read that blog here.
In this blog, I want to introduce you to what ACT is, how it works, and how it can help you move from shouting and self-doubt toward more calm, confidence and compassion – both for your child, and for yourself.
What is ACT and Why Is It Helpful for Parents?
ACT (pronounced like the word ‘act’) stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a modern form of cognitive behavioural therapy that focuses less on changing your thoughts and more on changing your relationship to your thoughts, and reconnecting with what really matters to you.
ACT doesn’t try to stop you having difficult thoughts or feelings. Because, frankly, that makes things worse – emotional and thought suppression makes these difficult experiences occur more frequently and intensely (psychologists call this the ‘white bear effect’). So, ACT takes a different approach – it helps you make space for thoughts and feelings (acceptance), to notice them without being ruled by them and to do what’s important to you anyway (commitment).
There are 6 core processes within the ACT model (we call it the ‘hexaflex’ and it consists of acceptance, defusion, contact with the present moment, self-as-context, values and committed action) but to keep things simple, we can describe those in 3 broad areas, often called the ‘triflex’:
- Open: Making space for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings (acceptance and defusion)
- Aware: Noticing your inner experience with curiosity and perspective (contact with the present moment and self-as-context)
- Active: Taking small steps toward what matters most to you (values and committed action)
Let’s walk through each one, and what it might look like in the messy reality of parenting life.
Open: Making Space for Difficult Thoughts and Feelings
If you’re like most of the parents I work with, you probably spend a lot of time in your own head. You might find yourself lying in bed replaying a moment you snapped, worrying about your child’s development, or overthinking a decision you made. You might be carrying around a constant stream of self-criticism: “I’m not doing enough” “I’ve messed this up” “Why can’t I just be more patient?”
In ACT, one of the things we work on is helping you recognise these thoughts as thoughts, not facts or orders you have to obey. Instead of getting tangled up in the mental commentary, we practise stepping back from it. You might start to notice, “Ah, there’s that old story again.”
That might sound small, but it creates space. Space to respond rather than react. Space to choose what kind of parent you want to be; even when your inner critic is shouting at you. Because he’s not in charge anymore.
We also learn how to make space for big feelings. Parenting is emotionally intense; there’s not just joy and love showing up but also boredom, frustration, guilt, anger, grief. Many of us were never taught how to sit with those feelings. We were taught to push them down or judge ourselves for having them.
In therapy, we practise emotional openness; learning how to notice and name emotions, without immediately trying to fix them or push them away. Not because the feelings are welcome or pleasant, but because resisting them often uses more energy than simply allowing them to be. We learn to ride out emotions or show ourselves compassion in the face of difficult emotions rather than getting all tangled up in them. And gives us space and energy to do what matters – more of that in the ‘active’ section.
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AWARE: Noticing What's really here
When you’re stressed or overwhelmed, your attention can feel like it’s being pulled in a hundred directions or perhaps narrowed to a single, spiralling thought. It becomes harder to tune in to yourself, to your body, and to your child. You might find you’re stuck in your head, never really in the present moment.
ACT helps you develop more present-moment awareness. We learn how to ground ourselves in the here and now, rather than time travelling in our minds to the past or future. We see the world through our five senses for what it is, not what our minds tell us it is.
Being here, now, helps us be less reactive and respond in more helpful ways to tricky situations based on the facts, rather than the stories we have in our heads.
We also practise noticing the stories you have about yourself and practice relating to those differently. Maybe you’ve been clinging to ideas like “I’m failing” or “I’m not cut out for this” or “I’m too irritable to be a good parent” as if they were gospel truth. In therapy we explore your self-concept and find ways to be more flexible with that idea.
ACTIVE: doing what matters as a parent
The first two parts of the ‘triflex’ are all about developing a more mindful awareness of yourself and your world. But they’re not ends in themselves – the purpose of ACT (and the reason we pronounce it as the word ‘act’ rather than A.C.T.) is to be take positive action in your life. We focus on making meaningful changes in your life, doing things differently, aligned with what matters most to you as a parent.
In therapy, I often ask questions like: “What do you hope your child remembers about you?” or “How do you want to show up in your family, even when things are hard?” or “If you could guarantee no-one would judge you, how would you parent your child?”
These questions help us clarify your values. Maybe you have a core parenting value of presence. Or kindness. Or lightness, honesty, consistency. Or being a fun parent. There’s no right answer when it comes to parenting values; it’s about what’s true for you.
Then we explore how to live those values in small, realistic ways, even on the tough days. This kind of parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about intentionality. About moving gently and consistently in the direction that matters to you, even when you feel wobbly or unsure. And even if you mess up, you can show yourself compassion, and return to your next values-based step.
So what does this actually look like in therapy?
Therapy looks different for everyone, depending on the problems you’re wanting to address and your own personal hopes for change. But generally speaking, it could look like:
- Getting clear on your parenting values so you can make decisions with more confidence
- Helping you get some distance from from anxious and self-critical thoughts
- Practicing staying with difficult emotions without spiralling or being pulled into acting in ways you later regret
- Learning to live more in the here-and-now, in your five senses, and less in your head
- Building self-compassion so you can stop using shame as a motivator
We also talk about what makes all of this hard: your life history, your nervous system, your current stressors and support system. We don’t expect perfection. We make space for all the mess and complexity that comes with being a real person trying to parent in a very imperfect world.
Ready to parent with more confidence and calm?
Parenting is hard; not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it’s relentless and emotionally demanding and you’re likely not getting enough support. When you care deeply about doing right by your child, that pressure can become overwhelming. You find yourself stuck between knowing what kind of parent you want to be and not knowing how to get there.
If that sounds familiar, this is exactly the kind of work I do in therapy. Together, we’ll gently unpack what’s keeping you stuck, learn how to step back from self-critical thoughts, build more emotional flexibility, and reconnect with what truly matters to you as a parent.
ACT offers a powerful, evidence-based framework for creating meaningful change – not by pushing harder or trying to become perfect, but by softening, pausing, and choosing what matters, moment by moment.
If that sounds like what you need, I’d love to hear from you.
You can find out more about working together here or book a free 15-minute intro call with me here.
