I bet you’ve heard the phrases; “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” or “Put your own oxygen mask on first.”. Maybe you’ve even said them to others. These phrases are well-meaning reminders that your wellbeing matters. But when you’re deep in the daily demands of parenting, being reminded about ‘self-care’ can feel more like a guilt trip than a lifeline.
For many of the parents I work with, the idea of ‘self-care’ feels uncomfortable, even irritating. It can feel like yet another thing they’re supposed to be doing but aren’t doing well enough. Another should. Another self-improvement project.
But real self-care looks, and feels, very different. In this week’s blog, I want to tell you what self-care actually is (and isn’t), how you can fit it into your day and why you should bother.
What Self-Care Isn’t (Despite What You’ve Been Told)
The term self-care has been overused, oversimplified and co-opted and commodified by the wellness industry. Instead of being about caring for yourself it’s become a curated morning routine, a subscription box, a silent retreat. It’s luxurious – a thing for people with more time, more money, more space than you. It’s something that you have to buy, schedule, or earn.
You might have internalised some of these common myths:
- That self-care is a reward you get after being productive enough.
- That it should be relaxing, peaceful, and involve expensive products.
- That it’s about increasing your capacity to give more to others.
- That it has to be part of a perfect, consistent routine to count.
These myths don’t just miss the mark; they can be actively unhelpful. They turn care into performance rather than something you’re inherently worthy of and leave parents feeling like they’re failing at yet another thing.
So What Is Self-Care, Really?
True self-care isn’t about checking off a list of expensive products or ideal activities. It isn’t something that looks the same for everyone and it certainly doesn’t need to look good on a grid.
At its core, self-care is about developing a compassionate, attuned relationship with yourself. It’s the ongoing practice of noticing your needs – physical, emotional, relational etc – and responding with care, rather than ignoring, overriding, or criticising them.
In the context of parenting, it’s about including yourself in the circle of care that you extend so generously to others.
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Why Caring for Yourself Feels So Hard
Modern intensive parenthood culture sends a loud, relentless message: Your child comes first. Always. A ‘good’ parent (a mother especially) is selfless; they’re endlessly (and cheerfully) present, attuned and available.
In this narrative, a good parent funnels their time, focus and energy into maximising their child’s outcomes and so there isn’t any time left over for them. If they do find some time – and spend it on themselves – that must mean they’re not a good enough parent.
But you’re not just a parent, you’re a person too. You matter too. Your needs aren’t in conflict with theirs. In fact, tending to your needs strengthens your capacity to care. Parenting without replenishment isn’t sustainable.
What Real-Life Self-Care Might Actually Look Like
Once you’ve let go of the fantasy version of self-care and accepted that it’s something we need and deserve there’s another issue: figure out what self-care actually looks like in real family life?
It’s totally personal and flexible but here’s some ideas to get you started:
- Sitting down while the kettle boils, even if the kitchen is messy.
- Letting yourself eat while your food is still warm without guilt.
- Taking a few deep breaths before responding to a child’s meltdown.
- Saying “I need a minute” and stepping into another room.
- Sending funny memes to your closest friends
- Listening to comedy rather than parenting podcasts.
- Making sure the weekend includes activities you enjoy as well as what your children like to do.
- Letting the laundry wait and watching your favourite TV show.
- Speaking to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend:
“This is hard. You’re doing your best.” - Saying no to a playdate or social event you don’t have capacity for – without explaining yourself.
- Taking a moment in the car before walking into the house and starting “part two” of the day.
- Muting the class WhatsApp groupchat
These are all really small, doable acts of caring for yourself. And they matter. Little shifts that build up over time and give you more room to breathe. And ultimately feel more able to respond to the chaos of family life more like the parent you want to be.
Why These Tiny Acts Make a Big Difference
When you’re chronically stressed or depleted, your window of tolerance (a term coined by Dr Dan Siegel to describe that zone of arousal where you’re able to stay calm, present, and flexible) starts to narrow. Small everyday stressors feel bigger. You’re more likely to snap or shut down. It becomes harder to stay steady, to think clearly, or to stay emotionally available in the heat of the moment.
Intentional, everyday acts of caring for yourself can help widen that window again. They gradually restore your capacity to cope. You begin to recover more quickly from stress, to respond rather than react, and to stay emotionally connected even when things are hard.
That’s not just good for you; it benefits your whole family. When you’re more resourced, you’re better able to co-regulate, repair after ruptures, and approach parenting challenges with flexibility and perspective.
a gentle invitation
You don’t have to make huge changes to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. Start where you are and start small. Start with asking yourself: “What do I need right now?”
Even if you don’t have the answer, asking the question is a form of care. It signals to yourself that you matter. That your wellbeing is not a footnote. That it’s worthy of your attention, too.
ready to feel more supported?
If any part of this resonated, you don’t have to keep pushing through without support.
Therapy can offer a place to pause. To tend to what’s underneath the stress and depletion. To make sense of what’s been weighing on you and begin finding your way back to steadier ground.
I offer a free, no-pressure intro call so we can chat about what support might look like for you. You can book that here.
